It's 4 p.m. on a school day. Do you know where your child is? If she's a teenager, you may not. As your child gets older and makes more and more of her own decisions, don't assume that you can let go of your responsibility to monitor her activities. Your role becomes even more important at this stage of her life. You can't tag along after her to watch her every move (nor would you want to) but you still can be involved and aware of where she's going and who her friends are. Don't be afraid to set rules for your child; this is a time when he needs you to be a parent, not a buddy.

Begin monitoring your child early in her preteen years. If you wait until your child's teen years to begin monitoring, it may feel to her like you suddenly don't trust her and suspect she's doing something wrong. She may even turn the issue into a power struggle. So start monitoring your child early in ways that are age appropriate. This will help her accept your involvement as a part of life.

The following list can help in monitoring your child's activities:

• Know your child's friends (first and last names) and their home phone numbers.
• Know his friends' parents and their cell phone numbers, if possible.
• Insist that he call and let you know where he is after school.
• Find out what adults are going to be home at any parties he attends.
• Find out where he is going and with whom.¹
• Find out how he will get there and back home.²
• Show up early to pick him up so that you can observe his behavior.
• Make a list of his weekly activities and keep it in your day timer or on the refrigerator.
• Check up on him occasionally to see that he is where he said he would be.³

Monitoring means establishing firm guidelines and limits for your child to keep track of what is going on in her social world. Monitoring also means making expectations clear about what your child should do in an emergency.⁴

Give your child money, a phone card, cell phone, or a beeper with instructions on when to check in with you. For example, let your child know that if you call the beeper, you expect him to call back within 5 minutes.

Work with the parents of your child's friends. Exchange each others' e-mail addresses and phone numbers so that you can work together to monitor the kids as a group and help each other stay informed. It will help you overcome any resistance from your child if she knows that all the parents are doing "this monitoring thing." If she does resist your involvement, you can say to her, "It's my job as a parent to keep you safe, so I'm going to ask questions about whom you're with and what you're doing."⁵

Encourage your child to participate in after-school activities that include adult supervision such as school clubs or sports.⁶ After-school jobs, if carefully chosen, can provide teens with structure and positive reinforcement of values, along with supervision.

Finally, find out who your teen is-what music she listens to, what her career goals are, who her heroes are. Knowing your child better will give you clues into what she might be doing when she's not around you.⁷ Knowing her interests also gives you something to talk about with her (for more help in this area see the Talk With Your Child section).

Teenagers need increasing freedom to begin their road to independence, and they need parents who monitor their behavior in a respectful and appropriate way.⁸ Careful monitoring does not mean taking away your child's freedom to decide what he wants to do. You are confirming that he actually is doing what he says he is doing. As you find that you can trust him, your relationship with him will grow stronger.

¹ National Parent Information Network. Parenting Teens, last referenced 12/5/2002.

² Parenting Today's Teen. Just How Much Do You Know About Your Teen?, last referenced 12/5/2002.

³ American Academy of Pediatrics and National PTA. Keeping Your Kids Drug Free, last referenced 12/11/2002.

⁴ National Parent Information Network. Parenting Teens, last referenced 12/5/2002.

⁵ American Academy of Pediatrics and National PTA. Keeping Your Kids Drug Free, last referenced 12/11/2002.

⁶ Ibid.

⁷ National Parent Information Network. Parenting Teens, last referenced 12/5/2002.

⁸ Parenting Today's Teen. Just How Much Do You Know About Your Teen?, last referenced 12/5/2002.

• The ParentReport.com: Setting Limits With Teens
• Starnet Health: Strict Parents Often Have Drug-Free Kids
• Helping Your Children Navigate Their Teenage Years: A Guide for Parents