You never listen to me!

Do you recognize this phrase? How familiar are the complaints of "How many times have I told you?" or "I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall!" These are the timeless cries of frustrated parents everywhere. Such expressions are all too familiar to moms and dads who feel that they aren't getting through to their children. Yet, parents may be surprised that their children feel the same frustration in talking with them. In fact, children are just as likely as parents to complain that they aren't being heard.¹

Most of us would agree that communication is a two-way street. But, we may forget that there's a lot more to communication than expressing ourselves. Sending a message only works if someone else receives it. This is where listening comes in.²

How can parents do a better job of tuning in to what their kids are saying? To start with, we need to realize that, just as communication is more than talking, listening is more than hearing. Children need to feel that they have a parent's complete attention. So, when your child starts to tell you something, stop what you're doing and look at him. Make comments to show that you're working to understand what he's telling you.³

Patience is important, too. Jumping to conclusions, rushing to judgment, or launching into a lecture can make a child wish she had never brought up a subject. Convinced that you just don't get it, she may go off vowing not to approach you again. Give a child a chance to express herself comfortably. In a national survey of middle school students and their parents, more than half of the pre-teens said their parents don't always give them a chance to explain themselves.⁴ You'll have plenty of time to offer advice. Restraint also increases the chances that she'll take your advice.

Consistency is a key to communication. Good listening habits are important every day, not just when a serious issue comes up. When kids know that parents are willing to hear them out, discussions—even about difficult topics—become easier.⁵ You and your child won't always agree. Still, keeping the lines of communication open gives you a chance to find out how a child sees himself and the direction he may be taking.

Parents can help children become good listeners. If you're a good listener, it's likely to rub off on your kids.⁶ As a parent, you will benefit as you find your child paying more attention to what you say. As children become better communicators, they develop skills that will benefit them for life—in school, in personal relationships, at work, and as parents themselves.

¹ KidSource Online. Communication Tips for Parents and Kids, last referenced 5/6/03.

² Teen Advice. Opening a Dialogue: Things for Both Sides to Consider, last referenced 5/6/03.

³ Parenting of Adolescents. Communication Skills for Parents: Active Listening, last referenced 5/6/03.

⁴ Parenthood.com. Pre-teens, Parents Find Little Time for Talk, last referenced 5/6/03.

⁵ Familyeducation.com. Communication Tips for Parents, last referenced 5/6/03.

⁶ KidSource Online. How Can Parents Model Good Listening Skills?, last referenced 5/6/03.

Additional Sources

• National Parent Information Network
• Parents' Source: Roadblocks to Communication
• Office of National Drug Control Policy: Parenting Skills: 21 Tips & Ideas to Help You Make a Difference
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: Keeping Youth Drug Free