Teen life, with its fads, crushes, clashes, and breakups, seems to be a world away from abusive relationships. Yet, there’s a dark side to all of the social drama. Many teens go through the same types of abuse—sexual, physical, and emotional—that we know some adults go through.

Dating violence often involves sex. More than one in four female college students say they have suffered rape or attempted rape at least once since age 14. At a large college, more than half of the women surveyed noted some type of unwanted sex, most often from their dates.¹

Such violence can start at an early age. About 1 in 12 eighth and ninth graders suffered sexual violence in dating.²

Still, dating violence is common outside of sexual situations. Studies show that more than one in five high school students and almost one in three college students have been victims of dating violence that did not involve sex. In a study of eighth and ninth graders, one in four reported nonsexual violence in dating.³

Most victims of physical dating violence are females. Seven in 10 pregnant teens report abuse by their partners.⁴ Although female high school and college students are just as likely as male students to inflict dating violence, females most often do it to defend themselves.⁵

Abuse in dating isn’t just about hurting a partner physically. Bullying, for example, is a form of emotional abuse. Many young people face other types of emotional abuse in the form of—

• Name calling
• Blame
• Threats
• Envy
• Anger
• Attempts to control a partner’s dress, activities, and friendships.⁶

Teens may be confused by a boyfriend or girlfriend who abuses them and may not know how to deal with a dating partner’s mind games. Threats and rage may be followed by vows of love and pleas for forgiveness.

Teens may be afraid to break up with their partners out of fear that their partner will hurt them or will harm himself or herself. A teen may want to be there to help a boyfriend or girlfriend, may hope that things will get better, or simply may not realize what can happen. Over time, violence can escalate and teen victims may mistakenly begin to believe that they deserve the abuse.

If you have a teen who is dating, be alert for signs of abuse, both physical and emotional. Outward signs include:

• Having bruises and injuries
• Changing the way they look or dress
• Dropping old friends
• Giving up things they care about.

New friends as well as changes in attitudes, styles, hobbies, and school activities are common in young people. Still, they can be clues that a teen is being controlled by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Emotional abuse is harder to see than physical abuse, since it happens over time and can take several forms. A young person suffering emotional abuse may become insecure, destructive, angry, or withdrawn. He may abuse alcohol or drugs and may even become suicidal.

If you believe that your child is being abused, talk to her. Ask questions, set limits, and offer advice. She may find it hard to talk about stress in her dating life. So, don’t show anger or push so hard that the she pulls away. Instead, let her know that you respect her views and are there for her. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be safe.

If you believe that your child is abusing his dating partner, confront him about it, and seek expert help.

*We refer to a child as “him” in some places and “her” in others. We do this for easier reading. All information applies to both boys and girls unless otherwise specified.

Sources
¹Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Dating Violence, last referenced 3/11/04.

²Ibid.

³Ibid.

⁴Washington State PTA. Every Teen Counts, last referenced 3/11/04.

⁵National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

⁶Washington State PTA.

Resources

• Washington State Office of the Attorney General: Teen Dating Violence, FAQ: Relationship Violence—Help for Parents
• The National Women’s Health Information Center: Violence Against Women: Dating Violence