Is Your Child Lonely?

You may be concerned that your child spends too much time alone, doesn’t have many friends, or may not be popular. But take your child’s temperament into account; he simply may prefer having some “alone time” while maintaining a small, close circle of friends, rather than socializing more frequently. However, you may also be correct in concluding that your child is lonely.

Research confirms that many young children understand the concept of loneliness and report feeling lonely. For example, kindergarten and first grade children responded insightfully to a series of questions about what loneliness is (“being sad and alone”), where it comes from (“nobody to play with”), and how one might overcome loneliness (“find a friend”).¹

Children of all ages who feel lonely can feel excluded, sad, bored, or even sick. They often have trouble making friends. These children need the support of the caring adults in their lives so they can develop the social skills and confidence to overcome loneliness.²

Difficulties Lonely Children Face

Many children who describe themselves as lonely may suffer from:

• Poor self-esteem
• Self-consciousness
• Awkwardness with others
• Harsh self-criticism

All of these issues make children less likely to join in activities and form friendships, isolating them further and making it all the more difficult for them to improve their self-esteem. ³ It can become a self-defeating cycle.

When lonely kids do make friends, they can be more vulnerable to negative peer pressure to use drugs, alcohol, or tobacco,⁴ hoping to please their new acquaintances so they’ll keep on being friends. For instance, a teen might try smoking cigarettes, even though she hates the smell of smoke and knows it’s unhealthy, because a new friend urged her to join in.

Adolescence especially can be a roller coaster ride. So many aspects of a teen’s life are changing, including his body, his relationships with friends and family, academic challenges, and plans for his future. This could test anyone’s confidence and self-esteem.

Help your child listen. Be there to listen to your child with acceptance and compassion. Too often, children learn from peers and adults to ignore or discount their own feelings. They may think there’s nothing you, as their parent, can do to help them, but your attention and encouragement can make a real difference.

Suggest new activities. You can help your child meet new friends and build confidence in her abilities by encouraging her to try new activities, such as volunteering in the community, joining a hobby club, participating in a musical group, acting in a play, or joining a sports team—whatever brings out her best and introduces her to new people. Let her choose to do what she enjoys, while encouraging her to balance between activities that she is already good at and new or challenging pursuits. ⁷

Help practice social skills. Your child may feel unsure about the “right way” to act to fit in. You may be one of the few people who can have an open discussion with him about this, and your advice about social conduct and healthy relationships may give him the encouragement and preparation he needs. Let your child observe your own relationships, especially those that are longstanding. Talk about your friendships openly—the good times and the not-so-good times, the ups and the downs. Your child should know that putting effort into relationships is what contributes to their value and longevity. You can also help him practice refusal skills—saying no to alcohol, tobacco, and drugs—so he feels more confident in the face of negative peer pressure.

Seek help for persistent problems. If your child always seems sad, withdrawn, anxious, or down on herself, she may be struggling with depression or anxiety. Talk with her about how she is feeling, and keep communicating. Note the behaviors or other symptoms that worry you, how long they have been going on, how often they occur, and how severe they seem to be and get professional help.

Sources

Additional Resources

Family Guide: Helping Children With ADHD Make Friends

KidsHealth: Social Phobia